Have you ever stayed in a relationship long after you knew it was doomed? It feels awful.

Kissing someone whose heart you know you need to break. Trying to be nice over text but not so nice it actually feels like lying (spoiler: it is). Discussing plans for a future you know you’ll never allow to happen.

I’ve had this go on for months and even years, and it dragged down every part of my life. Finally, enough resentment and contempt builds up that both people want out. All because we’re scared of having uncomfortable conversations.

Want to know a secret? White lies are still lies. Hiding painful truths from someone is not compassionate. You might think you’re not “rocking the boat,” but that’s not true, either. You’re still sailing into a hurricane; you’re just choosing not to tell anyone because you’re afraid of conflict.

My point is this – you have two options:

• Be honest now – either fix what is broken or leave it behind and move on.
• Waste a bunch of time and move on when things eventually fall apart.

Both of those take you to the same place, but honesty is faster.

When things aren’t meant to work out, you can either be direct and talk about it or wait until it’s so painful and awkward that they give up too. That doesn’t feel good. Relationships that got so bad that both people gave up after many excruciating months or years… I think we’ve all been there at some point.

Being direct about your needs is so much faster. This applies outside of romantic relationships, too:

• Tired of family taking advantage of you? Either you set boundaries and they respect them, or you need to create healthy distance.
• Need a raise at work to support yourself? Either ask for it and they say yes, or you need to look for something else.
• Your needs in a friendship aren’t being met? Either you tell them and they make an effort, or you should find better friends.

Wouldn’t either outcome feel better than another month or year in limbo? Wouldn’t you rather get it over with?

Please don’t mistake discomfort for disaster. Just because a conversation is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to happen or that it will end terribly. The most important conversations you’ll have in your life will be uncomfortable. Stop running from them. All the time you spend hiding from uncomfortable conversations is just wasted time, and it’s time you can’t get back. Hiding the truth doesn’t change the end of the story; it just makes it take longer.

It’s often scary to have these conversations and it doesn’t usually feel good. Sometimes you will hurt people’s feelings, and most of the time, it won’t go perfectly. There will never be a good time, but the sooner you say what needs to be said, the sooner they can start working through difficult emotions so they can heal.

It’s not your job to protect their feelings. It’s your job to tell them the truth, and being direct and honest will honor the relationship before your feelings devolve into contempt.

It isn’t fun giving bad news, but it isn’t fun living day after day in the wrong relationship, either. The choice is yours, but please know the end result will be the same; you just have to pick if you want to rip this bandage off fast or slow.

Further Reading

If this post about being direct and having uncomfortable conversations resonated with you, I highly recommend Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson. I read it while I was going through an awful breakup, and it really helped me rethink how I view change. The fact of the matter is that change is often a good thing, and even if it is uncomfortable, we can make our lives much better if we keep our eyes open for better opportunities and are honest with others when the current situation is not working. If there are potential changes coming in your life, this could be a good book for working through difficult emotions and the decisions you’ve been wrestling with.