If you know a relationship isn’t going to work out, then why are you putting so much thought/effort into things going “well” before the breakup? Are you trying to let things go smoothly on a trip you take together to get that over with first? Do you have plans together that you want to go well? Or maybe you don’t want them to be upset about something so you try to smooth it over before you break up?

Listen up: All they are going to remember later is that you broke up with them. They won’t think about the one or two pleasant days you gave them before the explosion. They won’t remember the sacrifices you made to avoid rocking the boat before you torpedoed it. None of that will matter.

Breakups suck. Both people feel like victims and trying to be nice/make them happy right before it happens doesn’t help anyone.

I’m not trying to be rude. I’m sure you think you’re being kind and it’s unthinkable to be blunt or direct. I’m sure the last thing you want to do is be honest with them about how you feel. If you weren’t scared of that then you wouldn’t feel called out by this post. What I’m saying is that I understand you want to take care of their feelings. I get it. But what you need to understand is that you’re going to have to hurt their feelings anyway. You’ve already decided this isn’t going to work out. You’re going to hurt their feelings more later than you could possibly make up for now.

You want to be kind to them? You want to be considerate? Then just be honest with them. Rip off the band aid so they can actually start to heal. That’s what kindness is. Getting out of someone’s way when you know you’re holding each other back. Telling people the truth instead of pretending like things are okay just to avoid an argument. White lies are wastes of time.

I say all this because it was a hard lesson for me to learn. I put off a breakup and put so much energy into “not rocking the boat” as it sailed straight for a hurricane. I stressed over finding the right birthday present, being pleasant when I was around her, and being fun when I was around her friends. For what? So the perfect gift could end up in the trash? The friends who would need to put her back together couldn’t care less how an ex acted the week before I broke her heart.

All you’re going to ever be is their ex. What are you doing? Trying to be the best ex they ever had? Stop wasting your time. Tell them the truth so you can both move on and find something that works. You can’t get this time back and you know where this is headed. They probably do too, even if you act like things are fine. Stop shuffling chairs on the Titanic and tell them the ship is sinking. Saving them is not your job, but being honest with them is.

Further Reading: If this post resonated with you then I highly recommend 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think by Brianna West. They are concise and impactful essays on many topics like emotional honesty, confronting uncomfortable truths, and relationships with others. They aren’t dry academic essays, more like “what a wise friend would tell you as a wake up call when you need to make some changes.” They were wake up calls I needed, and I think they could help you too.