I used to work with a toxic Vice President. He verbally assaults people in front of others, manipulates, takes advantage of those who are afraid of him, and fires the rest. His nickname is “Tall Scary Bald Man”. I rehearse arguments with him in the shower daily, I fume and fantasize about telling him off when I work out, and I dread and stress every meeting I have with him. I’d say he lives in my head rent free, but he’s a VP so he’s paid well to live there.

Today my mental arguments lasted an hour at the gym, and all through my morning routine, and then I did a Metta meditation from Sam Harris’s Waking Up app. If you aren’t aware, Metta is where you think loving thoughts about people you care about. This reduces stress, deflates negative emotions, and increases empathy, but today I was shocked that it made me burst into tears.

I was thinking about my 2 year old niece. She is curious, sweet, and she loves to run up to me and say “Stinky Fart!” because I taught that to her and she knows it makes me laugh (being an uncle is fun). Because she’s so pure it’s easy for me to think loving and compassionate thoughts about her during Metta meditation. I want her to have a wonderful life, I want to protect her from danger, and support her through pain and hardship. I love her so much. So why did I think about her for 5 minutes today when my toxic coworker got hours? That’s why I cried.

Being angry at him doesn’t help me. Rehearsing arguments doesn’t solve anything. All I was getting out of that time was stress and anxiety. There are proven health benefits to thinking compassionate thoughts as in Metta meditation, and conversely I’m sure being angry all the time is bad for you. So why in the hell couldn’t I stop? 

A lot of regret welled up in that meditation. Regret that I gave so much time to thoughts that weren’t good for me. Regret that I could have given all that time to compassionate thoughts of friends or family or puppies or literally anything else. I could have focused my attention on the present moment. Even if I was alone in an apartment gym, Tall Scary Bald Man wasn’t in that gym with me. I brought him there in my mind. I could have been present and instead I chose to carry my nightmares with me.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that does this. Many of us work with difficult people, continually stress about the future, or carry around painful memories of the past. That’s a common human habit, but one we can unlearn. Meditation is the tool that is helping me notice more and more often what thoughts I give air to. It can be scary at first to see how some old angers have become huge roaring fires and how some important people in your life get almost no thoughts at all. But noticing it is the first step to fixing it.

Feeling angry all the time doesn’t feel good. Hating people all the time doesn’t feel good. Feeling miserable or helpless or victimized does not solve the problems that created those feelings, and I think there’s a lot of other ways you could spend your energy that feel better. I’m not saying we should ignore all of our problems, but pay attention to if your thoughts are helping you or not. Use meditation to become aware of what things you do think about, and then decide for yourself which ones are serving you – and which ones aren’t. 

I’m sure you have a puppy or friend or a significant other or something that creates good feelings in you, just like my niece does for me. Spend a few moments thinking compassionate thoughts for them. Imagine the inevitable hardships of life they will go through and how much you would want to help them and be there for them if you could. Feel the love that you have for people who are important to you. Pay close attention to how that feels. This is always an option. You don’t have to let anger steal so much of your time. You won’t get another chance to live today, so how much of it are you going to give to people you hate? You can’t put out that ugly fire by pouring more time into it. 

Search yourself for the thought patterns which make your life better. Learn to be present and see how different that feels. You have more options than continuing to do what you’ve always done. And even if change is difficult, it’s worth it if you aren’t happy where you are now.

Additional Resources: If this post resonated with you, I highly recommend Sam Harris’s Waking Up app. It’s incredibly well done and in addition to daily meditations it has many lessons on different aspects of mindfulness, stoicism, emotional intelligence, and more. I’ve tried a lot of meditation apps and this is the one that taught me to recognize unhelpful thought patterns and how to step out of them. I hope it can help you too.