I scrolled through reddit so much today my eyes ached. I stress-ate Indian samosas because work was stressful, and then I drank a bottle of wine to top it off. I am now considering ordering enough Taco Bell delivery to commit biological warfare and figured I should at least give the angel on my shoulder 1 minute to change my view before I resume doing body shots with Satan. Here’s what he said:

“What would you do if you didn’t suck? Like, forget all the stuff you want to do, what you usually do in these situations, and what sounds fun. Don’t think about that. What decisions will you will wish you had made when you wake up tomorrow, you sad little Teletubby?”

Well, that’s not  what I expected Shoulder Angel to say. A bit rude, but I probably would be too if I had his job. So how do I answer that? What would I do if I didn’t suck? 

• Well, Taco Bell is probably off the table. It’s only fun for like 5 minutes and then I feel like a bloated mess for days after. 
• Continuing to drink is probably a bad choice. The habits that DO make me feel good like exercise and stretching will be easier with a clear head.
• Listening to a guided meditation is probably smart. Doesn’t take much effort and usually clears my head.
• Drinking lots of water sounds smart. People more attractive and healthy than me tend to do that a lot and might as well follow their lead, especially after drinking.
• Going to bed early would help too. Today is clearly a wash, and getting good sleep will give tomorrow a chance to be better. Low points like today usually evaporate after good sleep, at least for me.

Hmmm. That was helpful, although mostly unimaginative. I guess it’s mostly that I was kind of sprinting towards the “YOLO” school of thought and this is a bit of a U turn towards “decisions which will make me feel better.” I mean, I do want to feel better, I guess I just wasn’t really expecting to change course. I usually decide I’m going to have a bad day and just go all the way. One could say I am kind of identifying with the “person who does stupid self destructive things” persona right now and it feels a bit weird to dis-identify from that mood. 

Maybe the takeaway is to pay attention to where your decisions are taking you. Then remember if your decisions on a given day are pointed towards “doing body shots with Satan,” you can start making different decisions if that would make you feel better. You always have the option to change course. You’re the only one steering your life, so pay attention if it’s going somewhere you want it to go.

Sorry if you were expecting a wise or insightful essay or life h4cks about habit formation. Getting my thoughts on paper kind of teaches me which ones are stupid so I can reassess as needed. Given this reflection, I should probably drink some water, listen to a soothing guided meditation by Sam Harris and call it a night. That actually sounds nice. I’m so freaking tired right now. To be honest I think I’m just a bit overwhelmed and out of my routine. I felt guilty for not being productive today and kind of meandered into escapism because I couldn’t focus on productive things. But I’d rather pass out and get some rest than make things worse. 

Thanks, Shoulder Angel.