Every relationship is a learning experience. The ones that don’t work out teach you as much as the ones that do, sometimes more. Here’s what I’ve learned from relationships so far.

#1 – Codependency Maximus

• When everyone tells you a relationship is a bad idea, they’re probably right.
• Saving someone is not the same as loving them.
• Choosing a partner means choosing their family too.

#2 – The Friend I Should Not Have Dated

• Moving in together when things are rocky won’t make it better.
• If you don’t know what your needs are, no one can meet them.
• If you don’t ask for your needs to be met, no one can meet them.
• There are some incredibly good people you will care about a lot that you should not date. 
• Staying friends with exes will piss off A LOT of future partners. Every relationship is different, but know this is a risk.

#3 – Saying ‘I Love You’ After 3 Weeks Is A Bit Soon

• If you don’t have an identity outside your relationship, you’ll have to build one from scratch when it ends.
• Standing up for yourself is never a bad thing. The right partner will respect it. The wrong partners will remove themselves from your life sooner.
• How will you feel if the things that bother you now get worse? Being with someone for decades compounds the good as well as the bad

#4 – Long Distance Drama

• If you know on the first date that it won’t become a long-term thing, be honest about that.
• Being useful is not the same thing as being loved.
• Petty shit is a red flag. Mature people care more about you than being right.
• Relationships should not be rushed. It takes time to get to know someone. If you rush into something you are just making an important decision with less information.

#5 – Great Teamwork, Wrong Game

• Having someone who can fight for you is good, but only if you have something worth fighting for.
• It’s okay to ask for your needs. It’s not okay if stating your needs gets punished.
• Just because it’s the best relationship you’ve had doesn’t mean you should settle if not all your needs are met.
• If you start dreading your time with someone or wishing you weren’t with them, just end it. You’re wasting both people’s time by dragging it out.
• It’s not always possible, but dating people who have strong friendships means you won’t have to be 100% of their support network.

Recommended reading: If this post resonated with you, I highly recommend 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. To be honest I read it when I was single. It helped me recognize some of the things I had been doing wrong, and also taught me what to do differently next time. It also showed me some warning flags so I could steer things if I saw danger signs. The authors have tens of thousands of research hours with many couples, so I’d encourage you to benefit from what they learned. There’s a lot of relationship patterns described in the book, you don’t have to learn everything the hard way (just some things).