Some things are scary because they are hard. Finishing a giant project in one night and running from a grizzly bear are examples. Fear in those situations makes sense, and it is a totally justifiable response. We know that there is difficulty, risk, or danger and we understand the worst case scenario.

But some things are scary just because we do NOT understand the worst case scenario. Going to an event where we don’t know anyone, trying something new for the first time, presenting our work to someone who might judge us. These are situations where we don’t really know what will happen. Logically we know they probably aren’t life or death situations, but emotionally we get anxious because our mind plays up all the things that could go wrong. All the scenarios where people might reject us, we might fail or be judged harshly, or we might feel shame or humiliation. These types of feelings are understandable – but not as justified as the first. They are not fear of the known, they are fantasy horror stories we invent about the unknown.

Have you been writing any horror fiction in your own life lately? Unfamiliar things you want to do or feel you should do, but there’s just so many worst case scenarios you’ve invented that you keep putting it off?

My fantasies like this are so unrealistic they wouldn’t even be good movies. I wanted to go to a Buddhist meetup, but the thought of all those new people and new situations gave me awful social anxiety. Really?! A meetup for people to work on acceptance and patience and kindness and my brain thinks this is a socially dangerous place to be? Inception made more sense than that.

The point is, these are fears of the unknown. Most people would rather know for sure the worst case scenario was losing $100 than not know if they would lose $1 or $99. The uncertainty is very uncomfortable. That’s why most people spend their time in their comfort zone, where things are predictable.

I bring all of this up just because I want you to see these two fears as separate things. Stress when you know how things might play out is fine. That’s respectful fear, it’s informed concern. But if you’re scared because it’s completely new and you don’t know what to expect, then this is a problem you can fix.

When your fear comes from uncertainty, the only path forward is to gain information. Take baby steps, research, do experiments, put yourself out there. You can prepare yourself for the worst case scenario if that makes you feel better. For most of these situations I remind myself “They can’t kill me, and they can’t eat me.” That’s true most of the time. Since you know you’ll come out alive, your worst case scenario is really just “you’ll get through it and learn something from the experience.” 

You don’t have to feel ready or prepared to do these things. For many of them that feeling will never come, so it doesn’t make sense to wait on it. My mantra for these situations is “Do it scared.” It reminds me that you can still do things when they are unfamiliar and scary. Being scared is not a reason you can’t try it. And trying it is the only way to make it less scary. How many things used to terrify you and then once you got used to them they were not’ scary at all? How many times were you shaking like a leaf as you went to an interview, on a date, to a presentation, or getting on a plane? How many of them went okay? I’m sure it’s quite a few.

Examine your life. Ask yourself what things you’re putting off or dreading just because they are unfamiliar, because you’re not sure how they will play out. What baby steps out of your comfort zone could you take to make them more familiar and take the uncertainty out of it? And if you need to just jump in and do it scared, when is the soonest you can do that? There might never be a good time. And when there’s never a good time, the best time is right now.

Recommended Routine: I have a spreadsheet where I log my biggest stress each day. It’s easy to ignore changes we need to make when they are unconscious, but when you see 20 consecutive rows where the same exact thing was sapping happiness from day after day, it’s harder to ignore. This habit can help you address pain points faster, and life gets a lot easier when you’re carrying less of those pain points around with you everyday.