The world seems to glamorize the hyper-social risk taker who constantly takes leaps of faith. They don’t take rest days, they instantly befriend strangers, and they are so photogenic they barely seem human.

I’m not like that. I’m an introvert, I get exhausted from too much time around strangers, and I love my friends but I have to have solo time to recharge. And when the gold standard is the example above, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing everything wrong.

What I’ve realized recently is that there’s a difference between fighting our true nature and getting outside of our comfort zone. Let’s talk about it, because I don’t want you to waste as much time as I did.

What getting outside your comfort zone looks like

Working up the courage to do something scary, usually it’s not as bad as you expect. Doing it a second or third time is much easier than the first – the act itself was never hard, it was just unfamiliar. This is good, it’s the only path to growth.

What fighting your nature looks like

Repeatedly forcing yourself to do things you hate. They don’t get easier. You dread doing it, you don’t feel good when you do it, and as far as you can tell it doesn’t get you closer to your goals. This is not good, it’s the path to burn out.

Does the second one look familiar? Have you done that before? Because I did it a ton before I realized it wasn’t helping me grow. The “gold standard” archetype we see might involve hyper sociality and risk taking, but the fact is that not everyone enjoys that lifestyle. I need alone time to recharge. I need quiet thinking time to feel like my best self. And I hate being around strangers all day every day.

We need to pay close attention to how our decisions make us feel. While it’s important to get outside of our comfort zone, that’s mostly to remove the fear of the unknown. To open our eyes to things we love that we’ve never tried. Trying out debate club for the first time is an example. Maybe we like it a lot and keep going. The unknown is removed and it becomes a positive experience. But if we hate it and force ourselves to keep going anyway, that’s fighting our nature. That’s trying to be something that you’re not.

I want to draw a clear line in the sand here. It’s good to get outside of our comfort zone, but that shouldn’t make our life a mess of anxiety, stress, and dread. It should be like playing minesweeper. Some discomfort when you try something new, then you learn if that’s the direction you want to go, then you re-evaluate. If you get close and try it and it makes you feel terrible, stop! You’re allowed to change plans once you learn something isn’t working. Forcing yourself to do things you hate is not living your best life.

At the end of the day your emotions will tell you if you’re on the right track. You will always feel nervous about getting outside your comfort zone, and doing so is a good practice to have. But that discomfort should go away once the unknown aspect is gone. If it still feels bad later then give yourself permission to quit things that aren’t working. Forcing yourself to do things you hate is fighting your nature, and that is not growth. It’s just trying to be something you’re not.

Further Reading: If this resonated with you then I highly recommend the Waking Up app by Sam Harriss. It’s the best tool for developing mindfulness that I’ve ever found. My life got a lot simpler when I stopped doing things that made me miserable, and guided meditations to help me catch those patterns have changed everything. Cultivating mindfulness will show you the numbers in this minefield, and then you can move away from the things that feel awful.