Sometimes you want to send a message to someone that you’re not with anymore. It doesn’t have to mean you want to get back with them. It might not even mean that you still like them at all. But there’s something you want them to know, or there’s something that you feel that you want to get off of your chest. 

Pump the brakes – let’s think this through.

You have to ask yourself “is this going to get me closer to the future I want?”. The future that you want probably does not include this ex in your life. It’s normal for us to want closure. It’s normal to want the last word in. And it’s normal to want your feelings acknowledged by the other person, even though we don’t want them to be our soulmate. 

What I realized was that even if closure is what I was wanting, it might not be what I really needed. Because the closure that I wanted was more about having her validate my feelings or for my feelings to have an effect on her. I did not actually want to be with her, I just wanted her to understand my feelings. And not only is that counterproductive for finding my next partner, it’s also very emotionally irresponsible towards the ex. 

What they need is not to hear my last word, or to understand how I feel about her after the fact. That doesn’t really do anything for her. What we both need is to move on, to let that chapter stay closed and write the next one with lessons we learned. I’m not saying you shouldn’t process old emotions, far from it. But do that with journaling, therapy, and reflection as much as possible. For most people texting exes has re-opened far more wounds than it has ever healed.

Look at the things that you want to say or the people you want to reach out to, it’s worth asking yourself if closure really gets you closer to where you want to go. It can feel good, it can be validating, but that’s not enough. Don’t try to walk on a bridge you already burnt down. Instead, put that energy towards somewhere that you want to go. 

Some old feelings will never be perfectly wrapped up with a bow. Sometimes progress towards your best future is more important than trying to change or polish the past. Sometimes closure is not what you need.

Further Reading: If this post resonated with you then I think you’d get a lot out of Meditations by Marcus Aurilius. It’s a very accessible group of reflections for how to process difficult emotions, separate the helpful ones from the unhelpful ones, and how to always keep moving forward. It’s been helping people for over 2000 years, and it’s helped me tremendously. Maybe it can help you too.