Let’s be concrete. When I’m in a failing relationship, it often feels like everything is broken. Friction when you spend time with them, anxiety when you think about the future with them, dreading doing things together. Honestly, this was life telling me that it wasn’t going to work out. There were many signals that the relationship was not working and I was putting off the hard conversation of breaking up. I was resisting doing what needed to be done. Being in a bad relationship sucks, but resisting the change that needs to happen is what causes suffering.

Work can be very similar. Maybe you hate your job, it doesn’t use your skills, or it’s a toxic environment. Every day you go in, can’t wait for it to be over, and dread waking up to start again. These are all signals that this job is not right for you. But changing jobs and moving into the unknown is scary. Hence, most people resist the change and stay in the wrong job for a long time. This resistance creates suffering. The job is bad, but the decision to stay there makes things so much worse.

Those are both autobiographical. I’m as guilty as anyone and I felt pretty dumb when I finally stopped resisting these changes and my life got so much better. So let’s look at your life. Where are you suffering the most? What changes could YOU make that would most eliminate the suffering? Notice that I capitalized YOU. You’re not allowed to say “My suffering would get better if my boss wasn’t such an asshole.” It’s true, but that’s not in your control. Neither is changing your partner’s eccentricities, changing your family, or instantly losing 50 pounds. 

When we want to reduce our suffering, we have to look chiefly at the things we can change. We can apply to a different job, end a relationship, set boundaries with family, start working out, and eating healthier. Those are actions we can take. That is listening to the signals life gives us and acting on them instead of resisting them. Please note also that blaming our pain on other people is still resisting. It’s saying “I have no control over my life and no change I can make would improve my situation.” Sorry that I’m holding you accountable, but you have way more power (and responsibility) here than you realize.

I’m not saying those are easy changes. Many people have had to cut toxic family members out of their lives. Many people had to end decades long relationships or start their career over because what they were doing wasn’t working. Some problems don’t have pretty answers – but an ugly answer is better than living with the problem every day of your life. The suffering you’re in might be familiar, but I have to believe there’s something else better out there. 

Lastly, I want to say that the best thing you can do for other people is also what is best for you. It’s easy to say “I can’t end this toxic relationship or leave this bad job because it will hurt others too much,” but that’s an excuse. That relationship and that job are dysfunctional machines. You are saying that you can’t leave them because then the dysfunctional machine would break down. But the best life for other people is not in this wobbly, smoking machine. You should not put off your best life because it might force other people out of their comfort zone. 

By leaving that situation and doing what is best for you, you are also prompting the other people to improve their situation. I’m not saying they will be grateful, or that they will understand at the time, but the way things are is not sustainable. You are not a bad person for jumping off of a ship that’s sinking. If nothing else you can be a signal to others that they need to jump off too. Focus on how you can create your best life. You should be surrounded by people who are not hurt or held back by you doing what is best for you. You will need to let go of some people and find new ones as you evolve as a person. That’s okay. But deciding to keep suffering just so other suffering people don’t need to change is not compassion. You are not doing anyone a favor by enabling them and keeping them locked in this dysfunctional machine. Both of you deserve better.

Look around your life for sources of suffering. Look for the changes that would improve your situation, and for goodness’ sake stop resisting all the signals the universe is trying to send you. This is one of them.

Further Reading: If this post resonated with you then I highly recommend Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It’s a terrific example of how to call yourself out on resistance and stop doing things that make your life harder. Stoicism is extremely practical, easy to read, and it’s been helping people for 2,000 years. It’s helped me work through very difficult times, and honestly it’s kind of comforting to know a Roman Emperor struggled with some of the same stuff I do. You should check it out, you don’t have to figure this out alone.