“I can’t workout or go for hikes because it will make my wife/husband feel guilty/insecure.”

“I can’t eat healthy food because my friends want to eat at a burger place.”

“I have to do irresponsible thing X because my friend doesn’t want to do it alone.”

Here’s the punchline: Doing what is right for you is usually what’s best for others too. Don’t use other people as an excuse to slack off, because you’re lying to yourself and poisoning your connection to them too.

I’m not trying to be vicious, really I’m not. I just saw this behavior in myself and I really want you to be smarter than I was. The truth is that you can redirect the blame for your bad decisions all you want. You can’t redirect the consequences, though.

How many times have we looked in the mirror hating ourselves that we missed a goal? We wanted to blame someone and all the friends who made bad decisions with us were easy targets. At the moment “being bad” together even felt fun. Ordering dessert, being irresponsible, enabling each other. Maybe it is fun in the moment, but if it makes you resent spending time with them because goals get missed then you need to make a change.

In a twisted way I almost didn’t want to “be good” around other people because I thought it would make them feel bad/lazy. Or at least that’s what I told myself. Once I actually tried it the result was completely the opposite. People appreciated that I was trying to do the right thing and some were inspired to follow my example. And those that wanted to “be bad” anyway had the security to make their own decisions instead of feeling guilted into eating broccoli. We are not responsible for other people’s emotions, and we shouldn’t try to be.

There’s honestly only 2 things that can happen. Good people will be good to you regardless of if they follow you. Bad people will be bad to you regardless of if they follow you.

You should make good choices because they’ll get you closer to the life you want. Don’t enable yourself with other people and drag down the group. Don’t blame other people as if they actually made the decisions for you. And certainly don’t choose to keep bad people in your life if they truly attack you for trying to do good things for yourself.

You can make healthy decisions and invite people on the couch to come with you. You can order the salad instead of the chilli cheese fries. You can lift your friends up instead of resenting them later because you made bad decisions when you were with them.

Refusing to take responsibility isn’t a good look for anyone. It’s easier, sure, but both you and your friends deserve better. Don’t use people as an excuse, don’t blame them for your failure, and don’t waste the chance to be a good influence. What is good for you is probably good for them too. Lead by example, it’ll feel way better that you got each other closer to your goals than held each other back.

Further reading: If this post resonated with you then I highly recommend a book about Stoicism called The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. Stoicism says that in even painful situations there are ways to learn/grow/make our lives better. You can also choose to be the victim, but that usually feels awful and doesn’t help us. Ryan weaves together a lot of really helpful advice in an easy to read way, and it applies just as much now as when the Stoics wrote it 2000 years ago.