Filter Out People Who Use You

Putting yourself first means saying no sometimes. It means taking time for yourself is allowed and you don’t always have to be available for someone else. It means finding out who is okay with you having needs and who is not.

These aren’t bad people, but they aren’t really fair either. Why do they resent you for doing things that make you happy? How many things you love have you already given up to keep those people in your life? I’m not saying cut them out completely, I’m just saying put yourself first for once and see how they react. You’re not saying they aren’t important, you’re just saying you’re important too. It’s up to them if they disagree.

Resent Other People Less

If you never put yourself first, that has probably created some resentment. Making time for people who often cancel gets old fast. Dropping everything to put out other people’s fires gets old too. Do you want to keep carrying around that resentment? Rehearsing arguments with them in your head, feeling like a victim, and feeling stupid for letting them do that to you? Telling that person no would remove the reason for this resentment.

This isn’t a point around “you’re bad for resenting the person exploiting you.” I’m just saying that feeling bad isn’t fun, and you can choose not to be exploited to avoid it altogether. This isn’t revenge, it’s not spite, and it’s not selfish. It’s just you saying “I’d rather say no and do things I want to do than say yes and hate both of us.”

Your feelings are YOUR responsibility. It doesn’t matter if they ask you for a lot. If you don’t like how that makes you feel then it’s time to start making different decisions. It takes practice, but I promise it gets easier. The best time to start is right now.

Live a More Peaceful Life

How many of your decisions now are working around someone else’s life? Like rearranging your whole schedule to be more convenient for someone else? How much are your options limited because you’re trying to fit into someone else’s plans or expectations?

I don’t know your life, but I know this was exhausting for me. Juggling every decision to try and optimize it for other people’s benefit was draining. I would pick what day I shaved and worked out based on trying to be the most trim and fresh for someone else who ended up canceling the date anyway. Having other people in your life doesn’t have to be that complicated.

Just ask yourself how much simpler life would be if you got to choose what was best for you. If you didn’t have to work around other people. The fact is: it’s not sustainable to live like that anyway. The best-case scenario is two people who both do what they want to do, share the parts that they both enjoy, and give each other space for the rest. This is true in friendships as well as romantic relationships. So if your own scenario includes doing nothing you like, doing what they like whenever they want, and resenting them for the state of your life….that doesn’t sound peaceful to me. That sounds like a life wasted. It doesn’t have to be like that.

Things can get better, but only if you learn to put yourself first. That’s the only way other people can learn about your needs and it’s the only way that you’ll get the life you want. Good people will stick around, and you won’t miss the rest.

Disclaimers

• This is intended for people that give time and energy away too freely and struggle with being taken advantage of. Of course, there are situations where we need to put children or others before ourselves, but that’s not the situation I’m addressing. 
• In relationships, it’s best to start with an open conversation about our needs before blindly putting ourselves first. But some people who have been walked on for months or years need a pep talk to stand up for themselves after those talks have failed. That’s what this is about.