Does it make you feel sad that your friends don’t reach out? Or that they take forever to reply? Maybe it seems like they don’t care. Like if they really wanted to talk to you then texts and calls would be effortless. Well…The good news (and the bad news) is that you’re wrong.

I think I’ve finally found the trick to staying in touch with friends (long-distance and otherwise) and you can do it too, even if your friends suck at texting. Here’s the secret ingredient: Be an annoying, pestering, relentless, and cheerful bastard.

The core of the issue is that people do love you, but they are busy and shy and they suck at texting and the path of least resistance is to do nothing. It sucks. But if both people follow that path, it leads to emotional distance, awkwardness, and isolation. You can break the cycle, however. All you have to do is message them and call them and decide that you won’t take it personally if people are bad at replying or don’t reach out on their own. It’s okay. Those actions are not about you. 

• Maybe they have a big presentation they are worried about and they can’t think about anything else.
• Maybe they thought they clicked send and they didn’t.
• Maybe they are going through a really rough patch and they want to talk but it’s hard for them to reach out first because they forgot other people have rough patches too.

These don’t have to be the end. You can be the person to message first. You can contact them out of the blue, tell them you are thinking about them, ask what they are up to, and either catch up with them on the spot or ask when would be a good time. What I’m saying is, you can be the reason you two stay friends. You can fight the inertia of growing apart. You can decide that having a good person in your life is more important than overanalyzing a message they left on read. You don’t have to make yourself sick over that. You don’t have to take it personally.

I’m saying this because it’s worked well for me. I was the person to always message first, the person to suggest hanging out, the person to find fun things to do together and be persistent even after they didn’t respond to the first message. I invested in those relationships and they stayed strong and I’m so much happier because those people are in my life. I could have let it die. I could have been proud, taken things personally, and assumed their silence was about me. Did I fear reaching out and being rejected? Of course I did. But I feared losing good friends more. 

Life is short, and a few persistent texts are more than worth it if it saves even one friendship. Don’t be angry at your friends when they don’t reach out on their own. I love my friends and they make me so incredibly happy…but most of them text like shit. They’re still amazing people and my life would be empty without them.

And yes of course some relationships die a natural death and pestering them beyond reason is harassment. But you’ll know before you hit that point. Sending a few text messages is okay. I think you are holding back because you don’t want to be the one to reach out. Just do it already. The worst case scenario is the distance you already feel. The best case scenario is renewed closeness with someone that once meant a lot to you, and they can again.