What do you usually get in return, when you put yourself last? When you give up your plans, your needs, and put other people first time and time again? Do they appreciate it? Are they always there for you like you are for them? 

These questions might sting, but I think they are worth asking because they stung me too. Personally, I often put others first because I was afraid of being abandoned. I thought if they were upset around me then it was my job to fix it, and never ask for anything that might inconvenience them. Spoiler…that’s called letting people use you (and it doesn’t keep them from abandoning you – trust me).

There are many problems with this approach, but the short version is that 

1. We are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
2. No one can be there for us if we don’t tell them what our needs are.
3. No relationship is healthy when one person’s needs don’t matter.

Have you noticed how people don’t respect you when you let them walk all over you? The thing is, respect is people protecting something they don’t want to lose. If you put up with horrible treatment then you’re sending the message that they don’t need to worry about losing you…so why would they be kind? Set boundaries and give them a reason to respect you.

The people I know who get the most out of life, the ones who have great experiences and chase their dreams and have the richest relationships….those are not people who put themselves last. They don’t take advantage of others either, but they chase the things they want unapologetically. They don’t live less of a life just to have someone else beside them. They don’t give up a part of themselves just to keep someone in their life. They create the best version of themselves, and they share it with everyone who appreciates that authentic self. They have boundaries, they have deep respect for others and are respected in return, and they don’t blame anyone else for things in their life they might wish were different. They just chase the life they want.

I’m describing this because I want to be more like that. I want to get the most I can out of life.  I want to share it with people to value the authentic version of me, not just a plus one who puts out their fires and tries not to be annoying. And I don’t want to resent others because I decided not to chase my own dreams.

Putting myself last isn’t working. Putting other people first doesn’t make them stick around. And when I get to the end of my life I will be the only one I can blame for the choices I made. Maybe I’ll lose a few people by trying to live my best life, but that’s okay. I’ll probably find a few who appreciate the version of me I’m trying to become.

I’m not saying this is easy, but I do think it’s easier than a deathbed full of regrets. It’s worth it, and it’s time I make a change. What about you?