What would you do if other people’s feelings didn’t matter? If it was just up to you. Other people’s feelings do matter of course, but they shouldn’t make you forget your own.

To combat this we can make an “if only” list and think about only your wants. Forget offending people, annoying them, disappointing, hurting them, or making them jealous. 

This is now a list of what you want, unfiltered. Now you can go through it and actually measure what the true cost is. Maybe it would annoy them for a while but they would get over it. That means the cost is annoyance, but not loss of the relationship, and there’s a difference. Maybe that thing you want would make you incredibly happy. Why do you weigh that person’s annoyance so much heavier than your own happiness?

I’m not saying other people’s needs don’t matter. I’m saying we should carefully measure the impact on others compared to how important it is to us. Every action has some potential cost. You can’t avoid that. So choose the wants you have that justify the cost. 

With this strategy you’ll do far more of what matters to you and most people probably won’t care as much as you think. Some people might even appreciate you being yourself more. And if people are strongly negatively affected by you doing what matters to you, you need to know that too. That means values aren’t aligned, and that can create a lot of friction over time.

Get a pencil and paper, make the list. Look at the things you want. Why is it so unrealistic that you would do all those? Why are your options so limited by other people’s feelings? Do your needs matter to the people in your life? Because it sounds like your needs don’t even matter to you. Someone has to water this plant. It should be you.