A thought experiment occurred to me: Pick 6 people who know you best, and summarize things they’ve said about you into a paragraph. Write another paragraph of how you view yourself. How different does it look from the others? Let’s find out, here’s my results.

J’s thoughts

• He’s really sweet. He’s supportive, sends nice drunk texts, has helped me get jobs and often cheers me up with great memes. We’ve helped each other out with accountability systems and support calls. He’s one of my best friends, I’m really glad we reconnected.

W’s thoughts

• I respect Matthew’s work ethic, creativity, desire to help people, and loyalty to friends extremely highly. Very compassionate. I think he struggles with being fair to himself, he spends too much time in relationships that aren’t going anywhere, and I don’t really get that. He deserves a great partner, but the catch and release process to get there is hard for him. He fights for everyone except himself.

W’s thoughts

• Matthew has his life so much more figured out at his age than I did. I really enjoy his mind and how he thinks for himself more than most. I don’t know a ton about the corporate world, and so that part of his life is a bit confusing to me, but his kindness and support have meant so much over the years.

R’s thoughts

• He and I used to be really close, though not as much lately. I really miss all the times we got to hang out in high school, and all the dumb stuff we did together. I love the guy and I’m glad when we get to hang out. Weird obsession with Indian food but I’m glad he introduced me to it.

J’s thoughts

• He’s a really good guy. Very accepting, smart, funny, and values relationships and invests them with great results. There’s a lot of people in his life that he cares about deeply, and they seem to feel the same. My wife and I love spending time with him, and I’m glad that we’ve stayed friends over the years. 

S’s thoughts

• I miss Matthew. I felt safe with him, he listened to me, he was kind, and I’ve never met anyone like him. I wish we could still be in each other’s lives. He’s too hard on himself and should get a cat or hobby or something. He also didn’t like my festive measuring cups, which are cute as hell. I miss him.

Thoughts about self

• I’m never good enough. I haven’t reached my fitness goals, I don’t even travel right, and I’m too scared of failure to make progress in my writing. I’m not a good fit at the company I work for, and I’m too scared to overinvest since that’s burned me before. I love my friends and I hate being alone. I can’t end relationships because it feels like failing. I hate my body, and I get horribly anxious and depressed unless I follow the same self-care habits every day. I have financial security but still anxious if I’m using it right. I don’t know how to sit still and enjoy life. The only peace I know is distraction, either through travel exploration, immersion in perfectionistic hobbies, chasing goals with finish lines promising self-worth, or escapism.

Ouch. I kind of figured this would be a painful wake-up call, but it was more than I expected. I’m extremely hard on myself. Still, I’m glad I did this because there’s such a blinding contrast between my self-image and how other people seem to view me. I’m outnumbered. I might think I’m a screw-up, but I don’t think anyone agrees with me. This is worth working on.

Maybe this exercise would be useful for you too?