Who here thinks their parents did a perfect job of raising them? No one? That’s weird. Okay, who wants to repeat all the same mistakes their parents made when raising their own children? Still nobody? Okay, we can unpack that.

This concept is called Generational Progress. Maybe your grandmother beat her children because she never had a mother and didn’t know how to do it. Then your mom didn’t beat her kids because she hated being beaten, but she was an immigrant and knew college was important and didn’t get to go herself. So you grew up with sky-high expectations placed on you but she made sure you got an education. You didn’t have a very emotionally supportive environment and you’re kind of fucked up, but you do know that you don’t want to give your kids nervous breakdowns over grades the way she did to you.

Your kids won’t have it perfect either, but can you see how the trend is in the right direction?

I want to talk about this for two reasons. The first one is to empathize with parents who were simply doing the best they knew how to do (note: that might have still been really fucking bad). It does not help you to be bitter, to hate them, to wish things had been different. Maybe it doesn’t help you to keep toxic parents in your life either, that’s up to you. But either way, we shouldn’t obsess negatively about the past – we can’t change it. Maybe you can find some forgiveness because they were raised by imperfect humans; they didn’t know how to do better. Or maybe you can’t. Either way, focusing on how you can do better is in your best interest.

You saw how they raised you. You know what worked well and what did not. And even if you choose not to have kids, you will interact with people and some younger individuals will see you setting an example, and you have a decision to make. Do you want to do things exactly like your family, or do you want to make some changes? The common theme of Generational Progress is that each wave does the best they can, and over time each “best” gets better. I love my family to death…but they taught me some stuff on accident that took a lot of time to unlearn. I want my kids to have an easier path.

This helps on our bad days too. When you’re feeling really fucked up, when you’re angry about all the things you weren’t taught, when you’re down in the dumps with the insecurities or fears or anxieties that they gave you. They did the best they could. My mom couldn’t teach me how to accept myself because no one ever taught her. She couldn’t teach me financial literacy because getting bills in the mail after my dad died scared her – she didn’t know if she could pay them. My dad would have loved to teach me how to be a man, but he died before he got the chance.

You got the best childhood your parents knew how to give you. Of course they fucked up sometimes. Of course they would have done better if they knew how. Of course they have regrets and hindsight is 20/20. But that’s in the past. You shouldn’t hate yourself for scars that weren’t your fault. You just have to try to heal, and try not to burn the ones who look up to you in the days that come. 

The best you can do is shape the next generation the best you can. It won’t be perfect, but it will be good enough and they can do the same. Maybe they will be your kids. Maybe it’ll be someone you mentor at work. Maybe it’ll be some strangers on the internet. The important part is that growth happens over time. And often it hurts to see how things played out for you and what didn’t work, but that’s the only way we see what to do better next time.

Now it’s your turn. The clay is in your hands now. Just give it the best shape you can, that’s all any of us can do.