How long do you sit with your pain? Actually sit with it. Not numbing it with alcohol. Not distracting yourself with mindless dating app swiping, and not practicing mental monologues at those who have wronged you. Do you ever let yourself really feel the pain?

Recently I was fuming that someone hadn’t kept me in the loop at work. I was having vicious arguments in my head, rehearsing speeches, and getting more upset every second. But eventually when I got sick of feeling sick, the reality of the emotions became clear: my anger was fear masquerading around as strength. 

In my anger I was lashing out, but as I watched the emotions my mind kept returning to the thought of being criticized or judged because I seemed unaware or uninformed. Can you see the difference? I wasn’t angry at a person, I was scared of looking incompetent. But I couldn’t see that until I stopped trying to win arguments in my head.

It’s impossible to find the source of the pain while you’re thrashing around in it. It’s like trying to find a sandal you lost in the water while you’re violently stirring up sand and sediment. Stop and examine the pain. Let the anger settle. Let the bitterness drip off of you like water. 

I’m not asking you to let it fester and take over you. That’s the last thing I want you to do. I just want you to watch it. Maybe even write down the phrases that your inner voice keeps saying. Then you can zoom out a little. Try to objectively tell if it speaks the truth or not. We aren’t trying to invalidate your inner voice. Quite the opposite. We have to understand the pain to heal what is hurting. 

Get a pencil and paper or a Google Doc. Answering these questions and putting these feelings into words helps understand them:

• What are you saying that’s not being heard? 
• Or what is it about other peoples’ actions that feels so inconsiderate or selfish? 
• What are you holding onto or resisting that is making this painful? 
• If you could tell someone something and know they wouldn’t get angry, what would it be? 

Questions like these clear the water. If all you can see is the pain, then the person who hurt you is the problem. If you can see the fear or insecurity that the person triggered, now you can address the root case. And upgrading our own psychology succeeds more than trying to change other people.

I know it feels like things are falling apart. I know pain creates more pain and some of this has built up for a long time. But if you can just sit and pause, I think you can break out of it. And once the dirty water settles you’ll see that your shoe was never that far away. You are going to be okay. Emotional messes are easy to create unconsciously but can only be fixed consciously. Fixing them is not complicated, you just need to remember to wake up from time to time.

On a personal note, I have a freakout like this about once a week or once every two weeks. It’s not just you. This pain is a part of being human; I promise you’re no more broken than the rest of us. We can teach ourselves to pull out of the downward spiral faster and faster with practice, but it’s just life that this happens sometimes. 

Further Reading: If this post resonated with you then I highly recommend The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It’s an exceptionally good book at walking you through the dangerous negative spirals of the mind and where they come from. It’s helped a ton of people regain emotional control of their lives. It pairs very nicely with the Waking Up app by Sam Harris, which has a ton of content and daily guided meditations to help you “wake up” from these spirals sooner and sooner.