Sometimes people ask for advice on Reddit, and I try to help. Sharing the question and my response here in case anyone else is going through something similar.

I’m 20F, currently not in school and unemployed. I don’t know where to begin but I feel alone.

I have friends but I feel alone around them. They constantly make plans in front of me but never include me, it honestly feels so shitty. I always pretend I didn’t hear or when I talk about it they tell me it’s because I don’t ask to join. I always felt like I’m in the background in conversations like these. 

I’ve always been dealing with my thoughts and troubles alone and i’m usually a quiet person. I fear that if I spoke too much about my mind I would sound needy or bothersome to them. I usually don’t speak about my issues. So to my friends, they don’t see anything wrong with me. I tried to explain to my friend how I felt and my thoughts. I was told “get well soon.” I’m not sick, just sad. I want a friend to listen and hear me but it feels like I’ve never heard, I feel so lonely. 

I used to play videogames with them for hours and hours. I always had a great time playing with them. For about 2 months now I took a break from playing video games to focus on my future and what I want to do with my life. I was really depressed during that time as well, so the first few weeks i refused their invitation to hang out or to play games. But since then they haven’t reached out to me or asked how I am doing. I felt like I am slowly losing my friends, so I tried to join them in games from time to time to let them know I’m still here. I do enjoy the glimpse of attention towards me when i do well in games. Though, it usually doesn’t last. 😅 

I’ve always told them I wanted to go clubbing with them for my first time. They asked me to come with them but they never gave me the details, location and time. So it kinda hurt to see photos of them going clubbing without me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong i feel alone. I feel like my friends don’t care about me. And I’m scared to lose the few friends I have. Yet, I feel like I have no friends. Recently I applied for school part-time and am currently looking for a job, hoping that keeping myself busy will distract my mind for a bit. But as of right now, I feel so alone that I can’t do anything about it. I would love to hear some advice

Hello there! It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you. Honestly it was a really smart move on your part to take a break from distractions and make plans for the future, and I hope you can give yourself credit for making the right move there.

Now, I don’t know all the details of the situation, but it sounds like your friends might have taken that withdrawal a little personally (even though I’m sure you didn’t mean anything unkind towards them). I also relate to the sentiment of not wanting to be needy or bothersome, unfortunately I’ve learned that saying nothing at all is often more misinterpreted than saying exactly what you want.

I cannot tell you how many times I was silent about my needs, pretended to be fine, then people assumed I was angry at them because I was being quiet. Like wtf? I think you and I both want so bad not to bother other people that we bottle things up, and the silence creates room for others to make damaging assumptions about us. All I’m trying to say is that it might benefit you to be very direct and clear about what you want. I understand you have tried and they didn’t give enough specifics for you to join, but I think it’s important to try again with an objective in mind. Either there’s a miscommunication going on (fixable by direct communication) or there’s actually a schism in the friendship now (maybe not fixable). It’s important to know which one it is, and continued silence won’t tell you that.

The unfortunate possibility is that they might be feeling really insecure about the changes you’re making. Again I do not know everything about the situation, but if their lives aren’t going anywhere and they see you creating a better future for yourself, they might feel bad about themselves and that makes it harder for them to spend time with you. I really hope that isn’t the case, but they are humans and humans do this sometimes.

At the end of the day, being direct with them is the best path to see which case it is, and like you say getting a job and going to school will give you good things to focus on as well as expose you to new groups of people, possibly people with more aligned goals and interests. Please understand that I think you are making great changes for yourself and I think you should be proud of the path you’re taking. It is not your fault if your best life separates you from other people you used to be close to. Their lives are up to them, and you deserve the best life you can create. There will always be other people who enjoy being around the best version of you, so don’t give that up just to save what is familiar.

Wishing you all the best!