It’s hard to put yourself together after burning down a relationship that wasn’t working. It’s hard to be the new person at a job that doesn’t know anyone or have any credibility yet. It’s hard to be in a new city feeling lonely and alone. Feeling lost in these situations has a double agony. The pain itself is bad enough, but things get worse if you let the pain define you. I’m referring to self-talk language such as:

“If I was good enough I would have someone that loves me. If I was smarter then people would see my talents and value my opinions. If I was more social or fun or interesting it wouldn’t be so hard for me to make friends.”

The message is: “You’re not just lost, you’re lost because you’re not good enough.” It’s toxic, it’s wrong, and so much weight was lifted from my shoulders once I stopped believing it. The thing to realize is that often feeling lost is the result of throwing away an old map that was hurting us. 

If you’re in a bad relationship that hurts and isn’t going anywhere, then breaking up is the right thing to do. It hurts, being alone is hard, and feeling lonely sucks, but the breakup was still the right answer. You might feel lost for a while, but you’re only lost because the place you knew wasn’t somewhere you wanted to be, and you left. You feel lost in the new job because the old job was a deadend and you correctly decided to leave. The old city wasn’t a good fit or didn’t have the opportunities you needed, so leaving it was the right thing to do. Good decisions don’t always feel good at first. Change usually hurts, but changing something that isn’t working is the best thing you can do.

I have to hold this idea close when I’m feeling lost and hopeless. I changed so much in 2022. New job, new relationships, travel to new places, new hobbies. The person I was a year ago seems so far away. A year ago I had a perfectly detailed map of the company where I worked, the relationship I was in, everything. Everything was dysfunctional, but it was familiar. I knew exactly where I was: and it wasn’t somewhere I could live another second. I had to burn it all down, I had to go out and try to find something better, to start over completely. I feel so lost right now, and there’s many days I am still confused and frustrated that I don’t have more things under control. But then I remember that feeling lost is a part of finding the path to where you want to go.

It’s okay to feel lost sometimes. We can’t stay in a job or relationship or city forever when it feels awful – and we shouldn’t. If you’re lost and struggling and terrified, show yourself some compassion. Your best life is out there and you’re closer to it now than back when you had a perfect map of a lesser life. I’m done hating myself for being a work in progress. I don’t have a map in my hands, but I’m also no longer holding the wrong map. That’s progress. 

It’s okay to feel lost. That’s how you feel when you’re going to new places.

Credit: This post was inspired by the song Lost by Illenium.