I repeat mistakes so often I decided to make a templated letter to myself. Figured it would save time and maybe someone else can fill in the name that applies to their situation and benefit also.

DEAR STUPID FUTURE ME,

So you’re still putting off breaking up with <Insert name here>, huh? I’m fairly certain you know marrying them is a bad idea. How much of the time you spend with them do you enjoy? Are you your best self when you’re with them, or a worse version of yourself? Does <Insert name here> treat you the way you want to be treated?

I’m spelling this out because I’ve seen it happen again and again and again…and again. I know breakups are hard. I know that you feel responsible for their happiness and it’s so darn hard to give someone bad news even if the relationship makes you miserable. You don’t know how to put yourself first. But this is bigger than that.

Right now, both you and <Insert name here> are standing in each other’s way. This relationship isn’t going anywhere. And even though you’re not the right fit for them, there probably is someone out there that they could be pretty happy with. Clearly their ideal partner must have much lower standards than you and questionable taste…but the point is some weirdo might be perfectly happy with <Insert name here>. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure and all that. More importantly, your ideal partner is out there somewhere daydreaming of treating you like a king or queen, and you’re too busy getting treated like shit by <Insert name here> to go find them. That’s insane! Stop wasting time and cut <Insert name here> loose.

Life is short. Ripping bandaids off hurts but you can’t wear them forever. The moral of the story is that <Insert name here> is not your happily ever after. There’s never a good time to end things. But how happy have you been in the past each time a breakup was finally over with? Life got so much better, and that will be true this time also. <Insert name here> will be bummed for a while, but both of you should have a relationship that’s rewarding and meaningful and this isn’t it.

Sit them down, take a deep breath, and say “I care a lot about you, <Insert name here>. You deserve more than I can give you, and I need to go find something that fulfills my needs in ways this relationship doesn’t. There is someone who will appreciate all the amazing things that make you special, <Insert name here>, but that’s not me. I wish you the best of luck, and it’s time for me to go.”

—

This post was half humor and half truth. No breakups go smoothly. They don’t have to. You’re tearing something down so you can build something better in its place. Don’t wait for the perfect time, don’t stress about the perfect phrasing. The only thing that matters is how soon you get this over with. You can use my template or make your own, but please don’t keep putting this off.

Further Reading: Breakups mean change. Change is hard. Free time that you used to spend with someone else. Meeting new people. Losing part of your identity. Rebuilding it in more healthy ways. The book Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson is a great tool for dealing with change, in particular it opened my eyes to how the next thing is probably better than your old thing. That is powerful motivation when you feel lost after losing the old cheese and before you’ve found new cheese (cheese = significant other in this context). I hope it can help you like it helped me.