Something clicked for me today. I know I’m an overthinker, I know I analyze everything, I know I’m kind of a control freak, always thinking about worst case scenarios. I’m always trying to do everything perfectly and I’m pretty intense about a lot of things. These seemed like separate personality traits though, only recently did I see how they were connected.

Then I considered my escapist tendencies. The ones that happen when I can’t sit still, don’t have anything to do, don’t want to work on something important, and need a distraction. These are instances where I seem to lurch towards chaos. Either chemical escape, binge eating, mini adventures, anything. It’s not just escapism though, it’s like the intensity of the moment is too low. It’s like my mind is struggling because everything is in slow motion. Like I’m only comfortable in chaos. And I’ll overload my life and multi-task and turn up the volume until it feels comfortably chaotic. Sometimes I wonder why my life never feels under control, but I think I subconsciously preserve the chaos because it’s the only place where I feel truly at home.

Where could this come from? I think I grew up in chaos. I was trying to make sure everyone was okay, that I did everything right, and that I didn’t bother anyone by having my own needs. Life was unpredictable and hard to manage. I think I got so used to this type of environment that I am uncomfortable in peaceful, still moments.

The analogy that comes to mind is a highly trained guard dog. One that is completely dependable, highly effective, restlessly alert. You can take that dog on vacation but it would have no idea what to do. It would be guarding the tent on a private island where there were no threats. It would be eyeing colorful beach balls with distrust and sniffing your mojito tensely to ensure all was safe. That dog doesn’t know how to relax. That dog is a machine with a purpose. It can’t turn it off. How am I different?

Past trauma can give you strength most people don’t have as well as weaknesses they’ve never known. It’s not good or bad. It’s life. It’s not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t feel shame and agony when your inner guard dog struggles to sit still and relax. 

If you’re like me, you learned early how to handle chaos. It was required for survival. You are only comfortable when there are problems to be solved. You orient yourself by keeping the largest fire in front of you. You feel lost when there are no fires around, and it’s tempting to start one just because that’s what you’re used to seeing. We have to accept that those past traumas did happen and we must meter our old responses that are no longer appropriate. But don’t hate the dog who’s just trying to do his best to guard the tent. He isn’t broken. He’s just a product of his training and experience, and some training goes deep. 

Things will be okay. You excel in situations that most people can’t handle. It’s good to be alert. You might always be looking for the biggest fire, even if there’s nothing to find. It’s okay. Accept that part of you, forgive it, enjoy life as much as you can.

Are there any activities that do give you a bit of mental peace, when you find time to do them? Walking outside, meditating, journaling, breathing exercises? It doesn’t matter what it is. If it makes you feel good, think hard about any way you can fit just a little of it into your schedule on a daily basis. Can you cut out time from social media or TV? Especially if you’re in “alert mode” for most of your life, it can be a huge win to make space for peace, whatever that looks like for you.