Most of us wish we had lives like the “put together” people we know. They have the things we want, they don’t have our problems, and we assume their lives must be perfect. We idolize and envy and daydream about a life in that 24/7 content, joyful, and pleasant paradise. Why can’t that be us?

But what if happiness was off the table? What would we want if we weren’t allowed to choose a flawless paradise?

That’s a little harder. That’s kind of saying “what problems do you want to have?” You can’t pick a perfect life, so which imperfect one would you prefer? Do you want a life where you hate everything because it’s imperfect? That’s where I used to be (it’s not much fun). Do you want one where you take steps forward each day but you still never get there? That’s better, but definitely not paradise. Maybe a passive homeostasis, where you coast and things don’t improve much but you decide not to care? I don’t know, it works for some people.

This exercise was a wake up call for me, because I usually lie to myself and think a perfect life is on the table. I want to have a life without problems. I want to reach my goals and feel happy all the time. I want to be content and “get there” and leave all this bullshit behind me. No more struggle, no more confusion, no more guilt, no more anxiety. But that will never happen. That’s not a life that a human being can have.

So do we choose to want something else, or pine forever for an unobtainable life? It sucks, but it is what it is. There is a strange kind of power in this wake up call. Once you decide what imperfect life you want, your goals aren’t so far away anymore.

I chose to want a life where I take small steps forward every day, never become perfect, but at least it gets better. It might suck compared to perfect, but each day is better than yesterday. Do you see how much more attainable this is? You just sit down and do a little bit of work each day. You don’t have to feel like it (happiness all the time isn’t our goal anymore), it doesn’t have to produce amazing results constantly (perfection isn’t our goal anymore), and imperfect days no longer mean you’re a failure. That is a life of progress. It isn’t without problems, but it is something you can have if you want it.

I am tired of wanting things I can’t have. I’m tired of disliking myself because I haven’t become perfect yet. I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I aimed at a target I could only miss. I am choosing to want something else now. 

Fun fact: I was having a really rough day before I wrote this. These words are the small steps forward I took today. It’s not perfect, it’s not going to change the world, but it’s better than the self resenting mire I was stuck in before. Perfect wasn’t an option, so I chose progress. I hope you do too.