I don’t feel envy often, but damn did I envy this muscular Greek man in his little bathing suit. He had the six-pack I’ve been failing to get for years, the tan, the confidence to wear that swimsuit. Meanwhile, I’m so insecure about my body that I cross my arms when sitting in beach chairs – hoping it hides at least some of my gut.

“Maria….” I said with a sigh, looking over at my friend. “I wish I looked like that.”

Maria glanced up from her book, noticed the man, and made a face. “Ew. No. Gross.”

I cocked my head to one side, confused. “What do you mean? You don’t like that?”

“Of course not. Too showy, arrogant, self-centered. Having a nice body is fine, but people who act like that are always so narcissistic.”

Well, now I was confused as hell. Being fit was a good thing, right? Everyone wanted to look like models in magazines, right? But for her, this was a turn-off? Apparently, I was making some bad assumptions here, because her reaction was not what I expected at all.

My viewpoint: Being shredded is good. Women like men who are shredded. I was not shredded. Therefore Matthew bad because Matthew not shredded. Wow that sounds dumb when I spell it out on paper. 

I wanted to get to the bottom of this. Maria is much smarter than I am, has read a ton of great literature and experienced many enriching things in her life. I have learned a lot from her and if she and I read a situation very differently, my guess was that she was more right than I was.

I was clearly overestimating beauty’s importance (thanks social media). And if we assume Maria is right (she usually is) then there are other things I should be paying more attention to (idk probably character or some BS like that). 

So what actually matters? I thought back to the relationships I’ve had, what was missing and what went well.

• Grace wasn’t perfect, but I often miss how kind she was
• Rupa and I couldn’t be together, but I loved how we could talk about everything
• Nicole had a dark side, but she did appreciate me and it meant a lot

Huh. The best parts of former relationships had nothing to do with physical beauty. I was attracted to them, yes, but what I’m saying is that was never what mattered most. And if I feel that way, then my future partner who shares values and perspective probably isn’t as critical of my belly as I am. 

It is not wrong to aspire for fitness, or even wrong to be proud of one’s body and parade it around in a small bathing suit. I’m not criticizing the scrumptious Greek man and his speedo. I’m saying I was wrong to let unrealistic beauty standards decide my own self-worth.

The things I care about the most in a relationship aren’t aligned with how I was measuring myself. The things I assumed were wrong with me aren’t things I’d hold against someone I care about. I would never grade someone else by the rubric that was telling me I was a failure. 

It’s easy to get stuck in our own heads. It’s easy to internalize standards or priorities or goals from society that we never consciously chose for ourselves. Zoom out for a bit. Really digest what matters to you. Think about what meant the most in the past. Those should be the values that guide your own development and self-assessment. Those are the attributes which most affect your own happiness and ability to have meaningful relationships with others. Not what you saw in a magazine. If the best part of my past relationships was the way I was treated and the way I felt when I was with them, then I should focus on how I treat others and how I make them feel. 

Who do you look up to? What do they value the most? What about them do you look up to? Now compare that to how you measure yourself. How are those self-criticisms serving you? It’s okay to change an old rubric that’s not working anymore. I know I am.