“I wish I could make a spreadsheet to organize these Hinge matches and track my notes.”

That’s a thought I just had. I’m not joking. While it’s true that I’m a nerd who likes data, this is not a comment about being a player or a mountain of matches. Dating as a liberal in Texas isn’t exactly a gold rush. The spreadsheet is just a reflection of how I’m trying to be more intentional and not repeat mistakes I’ve made in the past. There are a few parts to it.

Relationship Compromises I’m Not Willing To Make

Is a good career required, or just nice to have? Same religious views necessary? What if someone is incredibly fun but also emotionally volatile? Are any number of positive traits worth someone who is vicious when they are upset?

Those are the questions I’m asking myself. No one is perfect, including me, so I know I’ll need to make some compromises. But there are some that I refuse. Some compromises I made in the past and only realized too late that I had made a deal despite there being dealbreakers. I’m hoping that by considering these questions ahead of time and writing out the answers I can recognize deadends faster and waste less time – both mine and theirs.

Boundaries: A Lesson I Learned the Hardest Way

Boundaries create respect. When you want to be with someone, it can be easy to give up your own needs/interests and focus on theirs. But having no boundaries erodes respect. You’re just a fan club following them around, they don’t need to worry about losing you because you don’t have your own needs, not that you’ve shared anyway. This time around I need to have boundaries, because a relationship without respect is not a relationship at all.

This means asking for things you want. It means not basing all your decisions in life on how it affects someone else. It means speaking up when they consistently do things that bother you. It’s not easy, at least for me, but this pushback is incredibly important. It’s telling someone “I like you but I’m not going to be around if you keep acting this way.” It puts them in the position to decide how much they want you in their life. And you need to know that. If you are a pushover who tolerates inconsiderate behavior then they haven’t really chosen you, you’re just convenient. Be yourself first, and the people who stick around are the ones who like you for you.

Dating Advice From People Who Know Me

It’s funny how badly we can misread situations when we’re in the middle of them. That’s why I am trying really hard to follow the advice of friends who have watched me repeat the same mistakes, friends who want the best for me. They’ve told me:

• Don’t rush into anything. Who you choose as your life partner is a big decision, and you can’t make a good decision with a small amount of data. Especially if it’s hard for you to end relationships, don’t start one without thinking carefully.
• Find someone you would enjoy being stuck at an airport for 6 hours with. I like this test because so much of our time with partners is in situations like that. Almost every partner is fun on a date night or drinking together on a beach or in the bedroom. But those are small slices of life. The average and mundane parts of life are many, make sure those parts are better with this person around.

Look, I’m still figuring this crap out too. There’s a lot I don’t know, a lot of mistakes I’ve made more than once, and a lot of time I’ve wasted along the way. But I’m trying to do better. And I think being intentional is an extremely important way to stop repeating mistakes and find the right person sooner.

I probably don’t need an actual spreadsheet to measure my dates against the ideas in this post, but I do think it helped me to write them out and articulate my reasoning. I hope it helped you too, thanks for reading.

Further Reading: If this post resonated with you then I think you’d get a lot out of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. Clearly, I’m not married yet, but this book is based on a ton of research and the ideas within are a great compass for the journey. It taught me that respectful arguing can be a good thing, but personal attacks are never okay. It also gave tons of exercises couples can do together to grow closer, and even seeing my own answers to them helped me understand my needs and reminded me to ask about the needs of others, instead of assuming they were the same. Relationships are hard, but we don’t have to learn everything the hard way.