How much does it hurt to keep limping like you are? To carry on with all those wounds you haven’t healed? To live day after day carrying so much baggage because you don’t want to face it?

I am not trying to attack you. I’ve carried a lot of baggage for miles and miles, but what I’ve noticed is that we only heal when it’s less painful than ignoring the wounds we have. And when I watch you I see so much pain.

I see how there’s some things too painful for you to talk about. I see how there’s some doors you dare not open. I see how the life you live is boxed in by all the fears and insecurities you have. All the pain you have to hide from the world.

You’re limping. You’re carrying all of this pain and you can barely walk but you don’t want to heal. How much farther will you limp? How many more years will you decide you can’t confront this? How bad will it have to hurt before you ask someone for help and decide you want to live a different way?

What do you think will happen if you try to face this? Why are you so scared of giving up that armor you hide behind? I would understand if you didn’t have anyone you could trust and talk to, but you do. There’s people who love you. People who would listen and try to help you and be there for you. It is safe to take off that armor and open up. It’s safe and healthy to let them help you. It’s okay to try and heal. But you haven’t chosen that. You’ve chosen to keep limping.

Do you think that’s just a metaphor? Are you ignoring the anxiety you feel around certain people? The muscles you have that are in knots? The uneasy stomach and the pounding heart when you have to talk to someone about certain issues? Your body is screaming at you that it needs help. It is begging you to heal. It’s asking that you take care of it because you can’t catch your breath, and you’ll pass out inside this burning building before you make it to the exit. You need to process these feelings and strengthen yourself for the rest of this journey. Ignoring the problem isn’t making it better.

I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m not trying to say I am perfect and I do everything right. But I love you. I want the best for you. I want you to enjoy life and experience things and not be boxed in so badly by fear. I want you to be able to walk. To go one day without a panic attack or nervous breakdown. To go out and try something new without assuming the whole world is against you.

Life is hard. Everyone is covered in scars and it’s okay to feel scared. It’s okay to have injuries from life and honestly it would be weird if you didn’t have a little bit of a limp. But yours is extreme. It’s debilitating and it’s obvious and you’re the only one who is insisting you are fine. You are promising everyone you can breathe as your head slips under the waves. You’re not okay. You’re hurting. You’re just one person and it’s impossible to get through these things alone. And you’re not alone. You’re just limping and we’re here to help you, but the first step is you need to decide you want to heal. It’s time to make the right decision.

How far are you willing to limp?

(Written for a friend, who I just want to see walk pain free. Maybe it can help someone else too)

Further reading: If this post resonated with you then I think the Waking Up app by Sam Harris would help you a lot. It has taught me a lot of mindfulness and it’s good to be able to listen to ourselves. To hear the pain. To make better decisions because we know what choices we have instead of being on autopilot. When you hear yourself decide to keep limping you can take a moment and double check that this is what you really want.